Freaking Retro Blog #3: Arctic Monkeys are now my LIFE!!!! Review of Concert...

'Allo all. The Arctic Monkeys concert was on Tuesday the 7th of August, and let me just tell you, life changing shit there....
Jumping in the car at 6:15pm on Tuesday night, all that was running through my head, was a conversation i had that day with my Serbian friend Tanja (QBar Doorbitch for those of you playing at home), and what we talked about is how after waiting for nearly a month for this day to come, the excitability of the event has now worn off. Was that so? i kept asking myself repeatedly in the head. HELL NO!!!!! I was more excited about this than i can remember for any other concert, and that's saying a lot, because i have seen some fucking ace acts in my time.
So we drove down to festival hall, discussing how much we're all looking forward to the music, and how much we freeking love this lads from Rothland (England). The feeling was almost palpable, watching the throngs of people flood toward the venue, singing lines and making feeble attempts to be cool, pretending to be drunk and screaming "MONKEY'S.....YEAH WOOO!". And no, i was not one of them, although i wanted to be, i mean how cool would i be then??? Very cool....very cool is the answer.
As my friends went to the seated area doors (pfffft) and my General Admin friends hadn't arrived yet, i stood outside and waited, lighting a cigerette and dragging the mellow smoke into my already tar filled lungs, knowing that it would be at least 2 hours before i can have another, thank you very much John Howard!!!!!!! FUCKING CUNT, (oooooookay, can someone say addict?)
I couldn't wait anymore, and opted to wait inside, seeing as though people had already entered and were taking a seat infront of the stage on the floor, and i didn't want any shitty standing position (regardless of the fact that i could be standing behind a steel beam and be able to see because of my height). So i sat....and i waited....and made friends.....and waited.....and then my friends came.....and then WE waited.....until i saw the people at the front stand up and run to the barriers, then i knew that it was going to begin..
The supporting act Operator Please were ok, yet you could call them out on their immaturity in the music buisness based on the fact that all their songs sounded kinda same-y (and also to the fact that the oldest person in the band is 18 and she had the BIGGEST tits i have EVER seen, but that's beside the point. Lets focus on her gargantuan titties later).
The lights came back on, and we all waited now, with baited breath for the moment that we had all paid $72 for. Not being able to properly inhale, and my mind on two things (a smoke and the monkeys), i waited and waited...until the audience started to get restless. Everyone started to stamp the floor and clap their hands and scream "ARCTIC MONKEYS>>>>ARCTIC MONKEYS>>>" and then it happened.
The lights all went out, and the boys came up onto the stage accompanied by a MASSIVE roar from the crowd. They put on their instruments (not the drummer of course) and opened with "This house is a circus" which was an odd beggining, but a welcome song non the less, because i had listen to it repeatedly that day. They followed that up with a few new tracks from their album "Favourite Worst Nightmare" and then played one from their previous album "Whatever People Say i Am, That's What i'm Not" . From then on, they played hit after hit, mixing the old with the new, and rocking my inner being. As the crowd went silent and they played the opening to "Do me a Favour" (my absolute favourite song by the lads from England), i was screaming like a 8 year old school girl who just saw JT on the street. I sung along to the words (not well, and a tad nasil-y) but i did, and it was the highlight of my night.
Now let me get to the shitty part. Here's a little something about mosh pits ladies and gentleman. This is a place where everyone their is an avid fan of the music, so you would be absolutly retarded to ask to stand infront of anyone because all you'll get in return is spit in your face and an elbow to the temple (from me anyway). Hahaha. In the pit, its every man, woman, baby, animal and mineral for itself. Cardinal rule, dont give a shit to anyone withing a 360 degree radius around you. Just enjoy the music. OKay, so in the pit, everyone is packed tighter than a pickle jar, and we get whats called the "Crowd Current". Like the ocean, the crowd waves as one, jumps as one, sings as one. So if someone from the back pushes, the whole crowed falls in a snowballing effect, where it gets more violent the futher down the 'current' it goes. And thats what happened.
The crowd current wiped out this 400 tonn girl standing infront of me, and i decided to break the Cardinal Rule of Evryone for themselves, and i decided im going to start to fight people off around her, and try to pick her up. So as i'm hoisting this bush pig onto her hooves (i decide to grab her under the arm, which was a mistake because all i got out of that was a palm full of sweat) and as she was up, someone pushed me over....or the current did at least. So now im ass down on the floor in the middle of a mosh pitt, and people decide, "Hey, lets start jumping", so i got my foot repeatedly jumped on by CRAZY MOTHERFUCKERS, until i could get myself up. Blind with pain, i left my primo possition of two rows from the front, to give my foot a much deserved break from the violence. I walked upto the bar, and screamed "THE FUCKERS BROKE MY TOES", so she gave me two free beers, i think just to get me away, but hey, free hooch! I then took my spot, sitting down on the ledge next to the light-effects guy, and watched the monkeys play for me, as i knocked the booze back.
I celebrated the success of the concert outside with a cigerette, and then limped my way back to Sarah's car, which she had parked ontop of a hill. I think what the best part of a concert is not only when they play your favourite song, but when you do EVERYONES head in discussing it on the way home. Especially people who had shitty seats and you were so close you could see the sweat on the lead singers forehead. Good times children.....no....scratch that....FREEKING ACE TIMES.

All in all i'll give the concert 8 flaming electric guitars out of 10. It would have been 10 if, and i want the monkeys to take note of this aswell:
-They had played more songs (ala 505, Riot Van etc.)
-They had come out for an encore
-I didn't get trampled (hahaha trample)
Other than that though, they can be overlooked, i say fuck it, i can still walk and sing and love (lmfao what the fuck am i writting) and i think we should all just WAIT, for the next time they come out, because im coming with a helmet, shin pads and steel capped motherfucking shoes.
Peace ouT, and until next time ;)

Freaking Retro Blog #2: SUMMADAZE Review

My SUMMADAZE Review. Read on kids.....Read on.I didn't sleep the night before SUMMADAZE. Because i was excited? Well yes, that and the people staying in the hotel apartment next door to me were filming a porno because she was screaming with delight and the director was saying things like 'Now spank his ass', so that disturbed me quite a bit. Adds on 5 more years on my much needed psychotherapy. So i started to get ready and was really excited, but i was sick from the night before (1 bottle of vodka; $39. One bottle of wine from the hotel minni-bar; $146.50....getting sick in a kettle chip packet; priceless. Or so said my mates). Feeling a stomach bug which later proved to be gas (which i released on Steph =) ) i didn't think that i would be in the mood for a 12 hour commercial house dance festival, but i paid $100.33 and i would be damned if i let this thing bring me down. So i sucked up my courage and stepped out of the hotel and onto a tram leading to the Sidney Myer Music Bowl with Papa, Steph and a guy called Stone. Random. HAHAHA Lining up in what looked to be a large wait, we started taking photo's and admiring all of the beautiful people. Then, like a sign from god that everything would be okay, Raining Down Love by Moby started playing off in the distance, and a miracle occurred. My stomach pain went away. I was being filled with the infectious beat (not infectious like Genital Crabs but something more powerful and far less irritating) Past the bag check and into the arena we went. Papa obviously knew her way, being the GPRS that she is (and i think she missed her calling in life to be a taxi driver because i think she knows her way around heaps more than they do. And she doesn't smell like back beads and incense) lead us onto the main stage where the fat and sweaty but BRILLIANT John Course was about to take to the turntables and dish up some of his music LOVVVVEEEEEE.As the dancing continued and i was beginning to see that this day would be one of the best days of my life, Dancing in the Moonlight waiting for the Sunrise came on and sent the crowd into a frenzy. We all gave 110% on that dance floor and gave the occasional smile and wave to John Course for those marvellous 5 minuets. Fuck can he spin a track. Papa would marry his if he wasn't so ugly. Her words, not mine.Our first seat break of the day came about 2 and a half hours into our dance fest, and it lasted for about 7 seconds until we heard another track that simply WOULD NOT ALLOW us to sit down. BODYROX. Classic. So up we got and rocked it out for another two hours, ignoring the hunger pains developing in our stomachs and the fact that we lost our body weight in sweat. Just dancing and waiting for that cool breeze to sweep across our faces. That's how life should be. 3:30pm, and an unexpected pleasure would soon fill my ears. The fucking ACE talents of UK dj Darren Emmerson. By this time everyone who had goodies were on them, their eyeballs popping out of their sculls, they were either staring up at the colourful SUMMERDAZE banner overhead, or dancing to a beat that only they heard in their minds (Spun by the intergalactic dj OSMODIAR from planet OMICRON PERSIE 8). A familiar tune filled my mind and took over my body making me rip out dance moves from places i never knew i had. Smack my Bitch up by Prodigy went HAARD. And so did the unbelievable Born Slippy. This guy knew his shit, and made me feel glad for coming, glad for dancing and glad for being able to enjoy some of the finest music out there. Indescribable.Lenny Kravitz and Nirvana were fucking unexpected but FUCKEN WELCOME because they made the crowd go absolutely spastic. Mental retardation is the only word to describe how the crowd reacted to these songs, singing the tune at the top of their lungs and jumping up and down like a mosh pit on 'roids. Along came 6pm. By this time we were full to the brim with Pump water, Gatorade and LIFT at the total cost of our houses and mortgages, and there was soooooo many goodies floating around, in both the powder and pill form that just breathing in would cause you to get stoned for the next 13 minuets. God had given us the perfect day so far, but what he didn't prepare us for was the ultimate SUCKINESS of Basement Jaxx's never-ending two hour set. We took that opportunity to hit the urine flooded toilets. I have never been in a male toilet like this one. It was so full, guys had decided to just piss on the floor and in the sinks and on the walls. There was more piss on the floor than in the toilets themselves. So i pissed in the sink as well (HEY, i needed to fit in). On my way out, i met a girl called Alexandra (who i still haven't called yet!!! FUUUUCK, what am i waiting for?). When alex left with her friends we went back and forced out some dance moves to the crappy Basement Jaxx beat, and then like a falling star from the heavens, down comes .......AXWELLLLLLLLOMG!!!!! How to even describe the genius of this guy. His music was Grade A 100% Pure Axwell Goodness ladies and gentleman......DISCO SHIT!!!! I FUCKEN LOVED THIS GUYS MUSIC that he came out with. Dancing with so much passion made my chest hurt, and i released that i was on the edge of having an Asthma episode. My chest was tightening. Breathing was becoming harder and harder. So i went to sit down, but then it happened. It FUCKEN HAPPENED. Tell Me Why! TELL ME WHY CAME ON AND I GOT GOOSEBUMPS, i swear to you. I forgot about my medical problems and a chill ran up my fucking spine that's how much i enjoyed that song. Dancing like we didn't give a fuck, EVERY person attending stopped:talkingpissingdrinkingsnortingpashinggrinding .....and started DANCING! Best moment of the whole night. Wrapping up the event was Bob Sinclar. World Hold On. Stopped the music at perfect intervals allowing us all to chip in with our shouting. Perfect lighting. Perfect ending to something that feels as though it shouldn't end. EVER. Walking away felt unnatural. Knowing it will be a whole year until the next perfect day made us feel violated. Thinking back at Basement Jaxx's set made us feel raped. What we just experienced made us feel PURE happiness. One of the best days of my life happened that day on the 1st of January 2007. If how you spend New Years Day is how you spend the rest of the year, then we all have a year full of absolute happiness, joy, excitement, partying and XTC (the feeling, not the drug) And for those that didn't get the chance to experience it, it will be your turn next year to feel what i felt, and to write about it on myspace. Having goose bumps caused by music, having a near asthma attack, having lost our body weight in water, having nearly killed someone in the crowd to eat their flesh because i was so hungry, it all seemed worth it, because i honestly believe that i wont that much fun in one day again until SUMMADAZE 2008.So i've given this night 11 Pac-Men out of 10. PERFECT.Peace Out Brothers and Sisters. I'll meet you on the main stage next year.

Freaking Retro Blog #1: Fcuked Up Porn Script...a Chris&Shadi Porn-duction

Once upon a time....Shaft Licking Sherri was lying asleep in her caravan, up in the town of HIV'ville. Bitch Tit Bobby rocks up in his 1994 Cadalac Escalade, honks his horn twice and recieve's no reply. Granted it was 2:32am, (the hour of love mind you). Horny and Upset, with a side of Confusion, he picks up the brick he gave to Shaft Licking Sherri for her 17th......i mean 24th bday... and piffs it through her window."Struth! Fuck me Dead!" Shaft Licking Sherri yells, whist caressing her nipples with a stick of margarine resembling testicles.Bitch Tit Bobby jumps through the window, takes his top off and tries to drown her in his Bitch Tit juices."HELP!" She gargles, before realising it was her co-star.......i mean her 'friend' Bobby."Oh, it's you Bitch Tit Bobby! Well, well, well. Are those your bitch tits, or are you going to cram your scrotum down my oesophagus?""Well if you hold still for a second Anisa.....i mean Shaft Licking Sherri, then i can whip out my love stick and pump your plump rump full of my golgi body love juice. Now lick IT! You filthy, filthy, shfat licking, crotch sucking, cum batheing, charity working WHORE!" Bitch Tit Bobby screams."I told you to talk dirty to me you fat Fuck Machiene! Now fuck me! Fuck me like your mum fucked Headjob Hannah in "Diseased Gal on Pal V.12.....out now on DVD and VHS" Shaft Licking Sherri smiled."Hey........Hey........SHUT UP!! look if i take this polypeptide cum filled biscotti out, i want you to dip it in a latte and enjoy it in that herpe incrusted hole you call a mouth.""Your mum's a hole." Shaft Licking Sherri came back with."Cmon......Let's....sex.........now.....artimus....Flegellum!" Bitch Tit Bobby began to shake, having one of his out-of-body sexual seizures.Shaft Licking Sherri jumps on Bitch Tit Bobby and opens her mouth, not having to woork him over, because he was shaking on his own. Her job was easy.....and fun =)Shaft Licking Sherri gives Bitch Tit Bobby's shaft one final lick, and smiles as she wipes her mouth on her caravan carpet, like a dog wipping his ass after laying down a fresh biscuit on the lawn."Why are you smiling bitch? Did i tell you, you can smile BITCH? Well diD I????BITCH!!?!?!?!"Shaft Licking Sherri said, "Your bitch tits are just so full, beautiful. You'll make a great father....b/c when i dont feel like breast feeding, you can do it for me.""Your pregnant??!?!" Bitch Tit Bob screams, now having lost his hearing."When you ejaculated i whiped your tastey white DNA and smeared it on my leaking Chloroplast of a vagina" Shaft Licking Sherri says, looking decidedly evil."Why chloroplast?" Bitch Tit Bob asks, falling to the floor, now having lost use of his legs and arms."Because it's orange.""Chloroplasts are green ya fucking whore blowing disease of a tramp!" Bitch Tit Bob politely corrects her."Not in my biology Text Book their not." Shaft Licking Sherri concludes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This idea of strange porn was concieved by Chris and Shadi at Uni, before a biology lecture, and it was written during the biology lecture which explains the biology references.FOR MORE WEIRD PORN, STAY TUNED. NEXT WEEK::: Teabag Trisha & Cum Crazy Karen fight over Big Scrotum Sam.....but who will win? Maybe Shaft Licking Sherri.....=p